|My name is Danielle Sload and I am a casting assistant for Ink Master, Spike TV's exciting tattoo reality competition series! We are currently casting for season 4 and would like to inform you and your staff that we will be holding an open casting call in Las Vegas!|
Essentially, we are in search of those who have artistic and creative tattoo skills with an outgoing, dynamic personality! In this exciting series, highly skilled tattoo artists from around the country will compete in a high stakes competition for the chance to win a $100,000 cash prize and the coveted title of Ink Master.
I have attached a copy of our flyer that further details what we are looking for. Please feel free to post this on your website, send out to any list serve you may have or forward it on to anyone you think may be interested. Any help in spreading the word about our search would be greatly appreciated!"
As much as I and my "staff" appreciate the touching form letter you sent, and as much as we are honored to be one of the 10,000 shops chosen to receive an invite to your casting call, we're going to have to turn it down.
Though we surely do have artistic and creative tattoo skills, and also dynamic outgoing personalities, we would never, ever, ever in a million years whore out those skills for your bullshit TV series. Tattooing is an ancient sacred art and it would be an unforgivable sin to use it to sell Axe body spray or subscriptions to Maxim or whatever the fuck else keeps Spike TV on the air.
Here's another thing: I already *have* the title of "Ink Master", at least as far as you and your dinky network are concerned. I started tattooing in 1994, almost ten years before you were even on the air. You're no more qualified to crown me "Ink Master" than a small child is qualified to decide who's president. So even if I won your rigged little personality contest, the title would be an embarrassment, not a boost. The kind of embarrassment that $100,000 would do little to assuage.
So yeah, I'll spread the word about your search, but you're not going to like it. I'm sure you'll find a roster of desperate tattooers willing to sell out their craft for a chance at stardom, but you won't find it here.
We *hate* television, and everything associated with it. In fact the rejection of television and the sick, empty, divisive cult of personality it embodies is the main reason we've had the time and space to become quality artists.
We have dynamic personalities precisely because we spend 0% of our lives in slack-jawed passive consumption of shows like this. We are creative and artistic *despite* you, not because of you.
Here's hoping that your show fails, your network goes off the air, and tattooing is finally free of the corrupting influence shows like this have brought.
And in the future, unless you have a show called "America's Hardest Crappings", you'd do well to take me off your god damned mailing list.
Kiss my ass forever,
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